Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell

I wonder if I stopped eating if people would notice? I doubt it no one cares enough to pay attention to me. :/

So well I hooked up with randy last night …again, for the second time this week. I thought he had the keys to his work/studio where he teaches music, but he didn’t. Its usually a secluded area so he parked in the back and as soon as the engine was off he whipped out this cock and told me to suck it. Of course being my favorite thing to do who was I to protest. I started by licking the head, and slowly trying to take him all in my mouth but I can’t I always gag, well maybe that’s to do with him trying to get me to suck his Dick and lick his balls at the same time. So I was going to town on his cock when there was a knock on the window and I look up and its some weirdo homeless guy asking for change. Randys like no get outta here. I watch the guy walk away and randy pulls my face back to his Dick and slaps me in the face with it. I started giving him head again but not as enthusiastic enough because he was like ill let you know of he comes back. So I take him for his word and start going all out on him. He pulled down my shorts and was fingering my pussy and rubbing my clit. He pushed me back into the seat told me to turn around so he could fuck me from behind. So I leaned over the seat with my ass up. At first he went slow, and deep than the pace gradually picked up into a fucking awesome rhythm. That’s when it happened he put his finger in my ass, at first it wasn’t pleasant than it felt really good. So good I let him put his Dick in my ass. Which hurt way more than his finger by the way. Strange because it made me cum and I didn’t know girls could get off that way.

Lately I’ve been rethinking myself image again. I am now a blond and so far it seems to suit me. A lot of people have been noticing me a lot more lately and I’m not quite sure if that’s a good or bad thing. One thing I’m really focusing on is losing weight. It tends to fluctuate when I’m depressed. I want to be thin, really thin. I’ve cut back my eating and been exercising a lot my often. At first there was a significant change but now its slowed down and its depressing me.
I know looks aren’t suppose to matter but I feel like maybe Randy would like me a lot more if I were thinner. My butt has gotten bigger and I know he is enjoying that. Do I really want to do it for him or is it for myself really?
Stupid boys -____-

So I was suppose to go to the river today, being the hottest day of the year. Of course my friend picks me up but says we can’t follow through on our plans. Of course I had bought a bunch of weed for the event but she didn’t.
Instead she makes me go to her sisters stupid volleyball game. It definitely sucks. Inside this hot ass gym with all these whined little children. Sucks sucks sucks

I know baby fever is upon everyone in town. At first, it didn’t bother me so much but it wasn’t until now that I decided that I wish I had mine and didn’t let someone decide for me not to have one. Lately, I’ve been trying to get pregnant again by my lover. Meaning I stopped taking my birth control and haven’t told him. The problem with that is of I do become pregnant no one knows I still talk to said person because he has a stupid cunt of a girlfriend.
I know these thoughts and actions are extremely selfish and if and when I do become pregnant it won’t just be my life I’m dealing with. I know it will cause a lot of trouble with my lover/ex-boyfriend because hell have to explain to everyone how I miraculously became pregnant and everyone will know that he and I have been seeing each other the whole time. People might call me a bitch for being this way but idgaf I’ve techniquely been seeing this guy for almost 7 years now and I only ever seem him.

So its 437 pm Monday and super slow at work. I’m forced to wear a long sleeve shirt and its annoyingly hot outside. Customers are making ass hats out of themselves. My manager made me feel like an idiot today infrony of one of those ass hats and then said it wasn’t that big of a deal. I don’t have a day off until Wednesday and I swear this has been the longest and slowest day of my life.
So Anywho, I woke up this morning and I had a text message from randy saying he was in sonora until tomorrow so I won’t be able to smoke gods good green bud. Life just keeps raining on me. Please stop already

So it seems that I am left only with me again. My friends have deserted me, my lover is loving someone else and all I can do is fill this disparing thoughts with misery, doom and pain. It kills me to know that I am me at times, when everyone hates me and uses me for meaningless things. Friends denying that they even talk to me. I’m beginning to grow less and less fond of this girl I’ve become. How have I let myself down in so many ways. I try with all the might I can muster inside me to push away these angry thought and yet nothing can subside this grief I feel inside. Where did I go wrong with everyone? I have no friends anymore, my best friend I thought was my friend only uses me for sex and denies we talk and makes fun of me to acquaintances of mine, my lover takes all my money and also uses me for sex when he isn’t getting it from his girlfriend.
Not only this, my work has become my own personal prison and it takes a lot of personal struggle to get through the day. My personal sanctuary is my room and even that isn’t enough anymore; I absolutely despise being home.
My eating habits have changed, I can go 4 days without eating and splurg on the 5th day until I get sick. Then repeat the cycle.
I think about death a lot in the last month. Haven’t had thoughts such as these in a very long time. Which has made me quite worrisome, because I scare myself when I get to down. Lately even the one thing that truly made me happy doesn’t work. I’m beginning to think maybe nothing ever really did. One day I’m going to go too far and it will be too late and they will all be sorry, not that i care if they don’t but will see who has the last laugh

It’s so Damn weird here I am waiting on this guy to cum pick me up. It’s like 345 in the morning. It’s funny because I woke up and then he texted me. I’m glad I met another insomiac like me.. he sure is taking forever to get here. I can’t wait to smoke weed with him again. :) he’s just taking fucking forever and a day to get over here..

It felt just a bit better then the last time. My head feel right and my body feels good. I wish your twin brother was here I’d sure make his head spin

Cocaine was good